Do we stay or go? An Air Force spouse perspective

  • Published
  • By Lauren Fisher

Dear Joey and Dave,

You recently asked my husband whether you should stay in the Air Force past your initial pilot commitment. He wrote you a heart-felt response reflecting upon his professional reasons for staying. I was privileged to read his response and agree completely with his rationale. However, his response left me unsettled. I was not at first able to articulate, or even fully comprehend this unease. This hesitation, I think, is tied to my belief that his response addresses only part of the equation. If you would indulge me, I would like to attempt to address what I view as the “other side” of the proverbial coin you are now flipping.

The reasons Erik provided that formed the basis for his decision to continue – people, opportunities to improve and the calling of service – are excellent things upon which to build a career. They exemplify what makes our Air Force great. If only it were so simple. In reality, a decision whether to stay or go is not, and should never be, an individual decision for those with any others upon whom they refer as “dependent.” As an aside, I hesitate to use that phrase as a description for military spouses, who, from what I have witnessed, are individuals who are far from “dependent” upon anyone, but I digress. This decision is laden with implications for those whose lives are tied to your own. Careful consideration of their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations must play a crucial role in your forthcoming retention decision.

Of primary importance is the consideration of your spouse, partner, and/or significant other. For Erik and I, this decision has been a minefield. Only through careful maneuvering (and more than a few missteps) have we managed to continue moving together in the same direction. Weighing my career opportunities and aspirations as an attorney has at times felt incongruous with his military career. I do not say this for your pity, or to beat my own sacrificial drum, but because it is the reality. The hard truth is that we cannot have it all; you must choose a course and recognize that there will be benefits and sacrifices along the way.

Our kids also have borne the burden of having a parent in the military. Next fall will mark their fourth school in four years. For our oldest, it will mean he will attend three different middle schools. This perpetual motion is not something Erik or I envisioned for our kids, as we aspired to offer them stability and consistency. Our decision to stay in the military meant that, as a family, we had to redefine “stability.” The Air Force community created a home for our family that travels with us to each new duty station. This community continues to provide a rich backdrop in which to raise our children. It is a community they love as well. While they certainly miss friends scattered around the country, they enjoy being military kids. They even enjoy much of what moving offers – experiencing new things, making new friends and developing new community.

While you sit at the crossroads of your career and try to decide which path to take, I entreat you to consider not only the argument presented by Erik, but also look deeply at the others whose lives are tied to this decision. Weigh the impact – good and bad – upon them as well. Listen and make this decision together.

Our family chose to stay. This decision impacted the kids and me in a way not felt directly by Erik, whose career and friends tend to move along with us. But the richness of that choice and the benefits it afforded our family were felt by all of us. While the act of moving has broken our hearts again and again, the decision to remain in the Air Force is one we would make one hundred times over. We move forward without regret.

For military families, the commitment and sacrifice demanded of service grows with time. The deployments and separations stack up, the list of moves grows longer, kids become more and more aware of their transitory nature and careers are harder to maintain for a spouse or significant other. Things just get a little bit harder. Yet as is true in many areas of life, as things grow harder, they also grow richer. I would suggest that our community of friends within the Air Force, while scattered around the globe, is deeper and richer than many families experience after living in a single location for dozens of years. We love being a part of the Air Force family.

For our family, the Air Force has provided the right backdrop within which to raise our children and build our marriage. I know the same can be true for you and your families. Will it come without sacrifice? Of course not. Will there be tears and frustration? Most likely. But in the end, you will have a deeper, richer life that has truly meant something. We are all serving our country. We are all building a better future for our children and grandchildren. We would be proud to have you continue with us down this path.

Most sincerely,

Lauren Fisher