The sting of regret

  • Published
  • By Col. (Chaplain) Ken Reyes
  • 60 Air Mobility Wing chaplain
TRAVIS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. – I believe in every person’s life there is a moment (maybe more for others) where we have regret.  The Oxford dictionary defines ‘regret’ as a feeling or expression of sorrow, repentance or distress over an action or loss.  I guess I’m one of those who would fall under the “more” category.  Regret can be expressed positively and doesn’t have to be negative, but if each of us were to seek deep within our souls, the context is usually negative.

Her name is Patty MacFadden and we were in the same elementary class together.  As elementary students, she was very large for her age.  You know as well as me, kids can be cruel and I was no different. Many of us took great pride in making fun of her, calling her names and the only time we really liked her was during organized recess and the dreaded dodge ball.  You see the ball bounced off her higher and farther when we hit her.  Sometimes Patty couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough and she had frequent accidents at her desk.  Kids were cruel to Patty, I was cruel to her.  Yet for some reason she took our constant barrage of abuse with a level of control that even for me at a young age found interesting.  So one day I followed her home from school.

We were living on the Army post Pattonville in Ludwigsburg, Germany, a suburb of Stuttgart.  Pattonville had large apartment complexes, street after street, so it was easy to avoid detection.  I followed Patty to one of the buildings to the top of the attic area where every stairwell had a large common room.  As I sneaked up to the door I could hear laughter from many voices.  I could hear statements like, “Hi Patty, we missed you”, “Come play with me next Patty”, “I love you Patty.”  As I opened the door I was presented with the most amazing sight.  Patty was a Brownie troop assistant and the little girls just loved her.  They didn’t care she was a large girl, or had bladder problems.  They gathered around her as she gave them hugs and unconditional smiles, love and attention.

Immediately, I felt badly for how I treated her.  Believe it or not, after watching Patty for a little while I left there a new person.  A person not to judge the look but embrace the character of the person.  To my knowledge I never made fun of Patty again.  In fact, to the best of what I can remember, I sought to reach out to her and to treat her with kindness.

I regretted how I treated her.  We have all done things we regret:  taking out our frustrations and insecurities on a spouse, child, co-worker, friend and even a subordinate.  I cannot tell you how many people I talk to who are under the bondage and weight of regret.  They are so miserable they live in the cycle of regret because that is all they know, or no one cares enough about them to help them.  However, regret is not the end.   Don’t let regret become a foundational pillar in your life.  The antidote to regret is forgiveness. Asking for and giving forgiveness to others can be the most liberating feeling in one’s life.  Rick Warren said, “Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness.  Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Trust has to do with future behavior.” 

For me, scripture teaches to forgive as I have been forgiven.  I’m grateful God does not give me, in my brokenness, what I deserve.  Corrie Ten Boom, who cared for persecuted Jews in her home during WWII, said, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”  By the way, at the end of the school year and at an unexpected moment, Patty came to me and said, “Thank you Kenny for being kind to me.”  I didn’t know how to respond.  It should have been me thanking her for treating us with mercy and kindness.  Don’t let regret become a festering boil in your life.  Forgive and receive forgiveness!